This House is Not a Home
by EvenAtMyDarkest
Summary: After he is expelled from Jimmy, Castiel learns a thing or two about obedience. By the time he returns, he's not the same angel he was before. Set during The Rapture.


_Note that I wrote this some time ago, way before we knew that the current writers still remembered the Novaks and were planning on making them relevant (?) again. Also, I know angels have gotten a lot less cool, but this is operating under the season 4 definition of them. So_ _…_ _Just keep that in mind._

 _I am not Eric Kripke; ergo, I do not own Supernatural. I am in no way affiliated with the making of the show, nor do I have any claim on any of its characters or concepts. I am also not making any money off of this. That would be nice though… but don't worry, it's not happening._

* * *

Jimmy Novak is the first vessel he's ever taken, so he's never been through the experience of being expelled from a vessel before. It's not pleasant. In fact it's unbearably agonizing. He doesn't scream, though. Angels don't scream. Though he almost wishes they did. It might provide some measure of relief.

* * *

It's like torture, but it's different.

Heaven does not torture. Pain cannot be felt in heaven—a physical form is required to feel pain (with the obvious exception of hell, which exists purely to inflict pain). And the lack of pain is one of the many reasons why Castiel was saddened to leave it and descend to the mortal realm. But he had his orders, and so he obeyed.

It's not torture. But it's horrible.

No words have been invented for it in any human language. And in the language of heaven, it is not spoken of.

Castiel tries to come up with an accurate way to describe it. But it's difficult to concentrate while it is being implemented.

God never wanted this, he knows. The angels used to act on His will—which is also why this was never necessary before. But recently, they have adopted new practices. Castiel isn't sure that he blames them. They have been left on their own, and like abandoned children, they are afraid.

He tries to believe that God hasn't really abandoned them. But it is difficult, especially now.

It's not pain, definitely not, but it's sort of in the same category. Castiel isn't sure he can feel the eternal happiness of heaven where he is. He isn't sure that he believes that he _is_ in heaven. But his tormentors—the most apt word available to describe them—tell him that he is.

It burns, and it freezes. It crushes and it stabs. It poisons his thoughts and his very core with total despair. And yet he feels nothing.

He pauses, and wipes the slate clean. Still not an apt description. He begins again.

Or at least attempts to. It feels like it took him years to come up with just that. Time doesn't pass in the same way up here as it does down there. But he knows that it's been such a very long time. He can scarcely think in between… the torture. A word he sometimes finds himself using just for the sake of convenience.

Which brings him back to his first problem.

* * *

He's fallen into complete despair-induced compliancy by the time they let up, and when they do, he is utterly astounded. He never expected it to end.

He is so grateful to the ones who let him out, forgetting the fact that they are the ones who put him in.

He is told to await orders, and is finally granted freedom.

Freedom should be such a relief. But he's scarred. He's tired. It's as he feared—the despair is still there, tainting him, that constant presence hiding in the back of his mind.

He is so tired.

But the first thing he does, and without any second thought or hesitation, is return to his vessel.

Of course, not directly. He watches as Jimmy Novak protects his family, reveals to them the truth. Finally they believe him. And to continue to protect them, he leaves them.

Castiel sees how it pans out. He listens to every one of the angry words that Jimmy hurls at him. He knows that the man feels abandoned, betrayed. He can sympathize. Which is why he will make sure that those feelings are without grounds.

He goes to Jimmy's daughter—Claire. A good girl, a faithful girl. Just like her mother and father. _Claire_ , he says.

 _Who are you?_ She is afraid. Again, he can understand. He's becoming good at sympathizing with human emotions—particularly the negative ones, it seems.

 _My name is Castiel_. He feels no recognition coming from her. Evidently her mother never mentioned Castiel's name to her. _I'm an angel of the Lord. And I can save you and your family._

 _You… I… You feel familiar._

Ah. So she does recognize him— _him_ , not his name.

 _You've seen me once before. I took your father as a vessel—the last time you saw his face before he went away. I told you I was not your father._

He feels a year of confusion beginning to melt away. _That's where Daddy's been all this time? You've been inside him?_

 _Yes. He agreed, he let me in, on the condition that I would protect you and your mother. But, Claire, now I need your help to do that._

 _What can I do?_ She's so ready and willing. He thinks he might feel something akin to pride.

He doesn't want to feel anything like that. It's only a reminder of the weariness within him.

 _You can agree to the same thing he did._

She is silent, processing this. _To let you in? To give you my body?_

 _Yes_.

 _And you can save my family?_

 _My agreement was to protect you and your mother. Your father has already been saved._

 _You mean his soul._

 _Yes._

He senses her happiness. Indeed, who wouldn't be happy to hear that a loved one would be at peace, forever?

But he's seen a side of heaven that he never wanted to see before. Nothing can make him forget that.

He does not mention this to Claire. No point; it's irrelevant to humans.

 _To honor your father's wishes, you must let me in._

 _Okay. Yes. Yes._

It's all he needs. The demon who walks up to Claire, about to kill her, meets its foul end quite literally at Castiel's hand.

It's good to be back.

He sees Jimmy Novak, bleeding on the floor from a bullet hole put in him by a demon wearing his wife's face. Before, that might have saddened him. But now he is practical. At least Jimmy can finally have his well-deserved rest. He gives his old vessel a meaningful look, and Jimmy recognizes him.

The battle is short. Castiel smites the demons with ease. Of course, some are taken care of by the Winchester brothers, the most noteworthy of which is the one from whose neck Sam drinks.

Castiel would normally be saddened by this as well. But now he just watches, stoic. Sam has been on a dark path for a long time now. This was bound to happen.

He resolutely does not look at Dean to see his reaction.

Sam uses his power to exorcise the demon from Amelia Novak. Once Castiel sees that she will make it, he walks straight over to Jimmy.

He briefly caresses Jimmy's forehead in an offer of comfort. He tells him that the angels keep their promises, that his family will be all right, and that he can finally rest.

But Jimmy Novak will not let it end here. He wants to save his daughter from what he went through for a whole year.

Love. Loyalty. Protection. Jimmy Novak is the personification of all three.

Castiel is so tired.

He returns to his old vessel, and it's almost like coming back home. But now his old home is tainted by despair.

He gets up, leaves Claire panting and confused, kneeling on the floor. Amelia rushes to her daughter and holds her close. She looks up and meets the angel's eyes.

Castiel knows that he is wearing her husband's face. He knows that it is painful for her. And for some reason, this cuts him to the core, more than Jimmy lying bleeding to death on the floor or Sam drinking demon blood straight from the vein. He's taken away a husband and a father.

He tries to convey with his eyes that he's sorry. But he knows that all Amelia sees are the eyes of her husband. And her husband is not there. She turns her gaze away from him.

Castiel starts to leave.

Dean stops him. Wants to know what Castiel was going to tell him before. Castiel almost forgot about it.

He tells it to Dean straight.

"I learned my lesson while I was away, Dean. I serve heaven, I don't serve man. And I certainly don't serve you."


End file.
